Major League Baseball is known for its stupid promotions to get people to go to baseball games. On April 28th 2017 it was 414 night. 414 is the area code or something for the stadium. Who cares. What 414 REALLY means is that you get $4 beers, $1 hot dogs, and $4 nachos. I don’t really care for nachos but I will definitely go Joey Chestnut and attempt to blow myself up from the inside with shitty beer and hog product. Thankfully, I had a couple of Wisconsin’s own “Waffle Boyz” to look after me and take a weeny tour of their own.
The first thing you will notice when you go to Miller Park is that people love to tailgate. I think the game had an attendance of like 10,000 and the parking lot had about 30,000 people in it. People were tossing “bags” (Wisconsin’s version of cornhole), throwing whistling footballs, and eating all kinds of weird meats. Perfectly acceptable to light hundreds of small fires in the middle of a packed parking lot. This is where the Doggin’ began.
I was only able to eat 3 hot dogs in the parking lot. These dogs were your standard Sam’s club slammers with about 2% meat. We threw them into standard buns and added ketchup and mustard. Business as usual.
Pro tip: Toast them buns. It will give the weeny a real gourmet feel.
After 3 dogs I was feeling pretty tipsy. I had that strange rainbow chem juice rushing through my blood. GAME TIME!… And by game time I mean it was probably like the third inning. Ive been to alot of baseball games in my life but I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually seen a first pitch. I promise you I’m not doing it intentionally but at this point its kind of a mystery how it keeps happening. OH YA! I remembered, its because people hate baseball. ON TO THE GAME!
Since this is the first post Ill walk you through a few of the finer points of baseball. Dont expect me to do this every time. Im trying to keep this blog fast paced and exciting just like Americas Past Time. Heres another. They always like to give you some kind of SWAG. Im not talking about swag like some suburban kid who is dabbing all over the town in roller shoes, Im talking about standard S.W.A.G. (Shit we all get). Todays SWAG was this MKE shirt. It was probably ok but we didnt actually get one. All the normal sized people took them so I ended up just picking one up from a hot dog line guiding system. Somebody left waiting perfectly for me. It was a youth large. MAKE ME LOOK SWOLE AS HELL. This was also when I grabbed my 4dog.
So I’m 4 dogs in now and we haven’t even found our seats. This is when we run into the worlds most intense usher. Baseball is usually one of those sports where you can pop into any seat you want. Its kind of like a children’s play or a movie theater where nobody really cares about whats happening. This dude was having none of that. URSHER had it locked down. See if you can find his section from our eventual seats.
Not a soul in sight. Usher game flame.
It was right about here that I caught on to a strange stat. Everytime we got a round of Hog Toes the brewers hit a homerun. Im not exaggerating. We missed the first two home runs hunting dogs. I was also getting a little sobered up from trying to sneak into the S.E.A.L of Miller Park’s section so I took one for the team.
DOG UP 4/5
And as if the lords themselves were watching us while we were watching the meat boilers… we hit another home run. It was magical… I would guess… I missed it.
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME
After 5 dogs and an equivelant amount of shitty beer I wasnt doing much moving. But… it was the seventh inning stretch. This is usually a pretty good gauge of how the game is going and if you look closely you can tell its hog neck night. Milwaukee, Our home team, kinda let me down. Real low ranking on this one. I’d give it 3 peanuts and 2 cracker jacks. For future reference this is called the Square root root root system and is pronounced 3.2
Time for dog number 6.
I had gone full blown J.C (Joey Chestnut). Everything was starting to get a little blurry.
The game was going as planned. People were hitting baseballs. People werent hitting baseballs and we were eating a shit ton of hot dogs. GREAT GAME. But wait… It actually was a good game. It was tied going into the bottom of the ninth and we had to start making critical decisions. This was the perfect storm of “beat the traffic” or “watch a good game”. Luckily we werent to jacked up on hogs and oats to remember that its just baseball. We grabbed out stuff and headed for the exits. On the way out Freddie Freeman hit a major league leading 4th home run of the night that we missed. We managed to miss a grand slams worth of homeruns. I grabbed another helmet ful of ice cream on the way out and called it a night.
Brewers: 8 Braves: 10
This was a great way to kick off the start of the 2017 season. On the way out I looked over my shoulder and saw one of my childhood heroes, Fingers McBaseball. I felt proud of all I had accomplished that night. A lull came over the crowd and I could swear that I heard him say to me “I LOVE YOU SON”. I had always wanted to hear those words. I whispered back “I LOVE YOU TOO FINGERS DAD“.